July 13, 1996

HOo Boy!

What a day! Brian didn't go to Atlanta with Kim today cause a lady we know got T-Boned on the I-State and is now in ICU and not expected to live. Oh man... Say a prayer for Sharon ya'll. Say it real soft and quiet. Pray for all those who suffer. Pray.

Kinda put a damper on the whole day. Man...in the midst of life we are in death. Live life for it don't last too long.

Anyway we went to dinner...Brian, Kim and I. What a mess. Conversation was not up to it's usual lowness. And since I have these unrequited feelings for Kim; well, let's say that it is distinctly uncomfortable being around her. She has no interest in me. So it goes.

<RANT>

Now I'm sitting here with this great gaping lonliness around me like a ghost that won't leave. Being alone solves nothing.

I mean what are we doing out here? This is really bizarre cause we're not really out here and yet we are. Our psyche's live here 24 hours a day. And for those of us who do this thing professionally, we actually live this disembodied existence that has no paralell in human history. A disconnect between reality. Think about it.

Reality for websters is a sort of reality that really isn't. What the hell is it? This is the same sort of thing that programmers have lived with, but I think only more so. Not only are we working with electrons and making things on the net work, but our conciousness is expanded and at the same time it is not. We have begun to believe this consensual hallucination is reality.

Folks, it really isn't. Whatever it is ..... it ain't reality. Unless and of course you take the existential approach that whatever we do is real. Bullshit. This is fucking fantasy.

Who do you meet out here? Who do you interact with? Wanna know why people write anonymous email to people whose pages they visit? Cause those pages are the only quasi-human thing about the WEB. Websters are so hungry for human interaction that they open themselves to people they have never met. At one and the same time it is the best and saddest part of this whole thing. The best because people interact calmly and caringly with others and at the same time sad because they have only that outlet.

What is that? It ain't life as we've known it. If that is the future, screw it. Humans need more physical interaction, not less.

Go to CNN's page and read the news. It has even less impact than the TV. It's less personal. "Oh. 10,000 people killed in Papua New Guinea in the last decade? What a shame!" Yeah, you're right. What a shame. I write this cause we may be doomed. We may have already passed the point of no return. It won't be anger, hate, bigotry, lust, envy, greed, sloth or jealousy that do us in. It may be that apathy is the root cause. I mean, who really gives a fuck anymore about what happens? We're apathetic about Church burnings, bigotry, mass murder in what used to be Yugoslavia, Bangladesh (remember that place? It's still there and so are it's people), Cambodia, our inner cities, our kids on smack and crack, our aging parents in nursing homes. And so now we live here in this electronic black hole.

We may be totally fucked.

When was the last time you hugged or held someone? Kissed someone? Made love? Cried? If you have to think, it may have been too long.

People, we have to reach out to others and in doing so, reach out to ourselves.

We are sliding down the dehumanizing slope.

And we are picking up speed.

So, anyway I'm feeling really lonely tonight. This move to Seattle isn't going to cure that, but I hope that by relocating to a place I was happy in will allow me to pick up the pieces of my life and start over. Because home and hearth are important to me. Does anyone remember that love is a gift? The joining of two people whose hearts beat as one? That's why people always look at lovers in public. It's an affirmation of the best of humanity. The bonding of souls and affection displayed. Babies are so often looked at because of their innocence. I also propose that babies are the result of love (I hope) and so are a physical symbol of the best of us.

I write this in part as a wake up call to myself not to become to engrossed in this marvel. I sit here in the basement of a 2,500 sq. ft. house and use three rooms. What the hell is that? I come out to get coffee, Sweet 'n Low, Creamer and smokes. And, oh yes. To go to work.

Kalil Gibran was right.

"There are cave dwellers still. Those who dwell in the caves of their hearts". Right on duder. And come to think of it, the words of Bill and Ted come to mind -

"Party on Dude! and Be Excellent To Each Other!

Words to live by eh? Go ahead. Laugh. And miss the point.

Be excellent to each other. And write eh?

</RANT>

Drew