July 3, 1997

July 3, 1997

"I don't care what they think, I don't care what they say...what do they know about this love...."

What's On My Mind...

Colette and I continue to slog our way through our relationship. We have talked about how we feel about one another and that we probably have been pushing too hard on making this thing the be all and end all. We had a good talk last night and hashed over a bunch of stuff. Mostly that she is very depressed over not having her children with her and that her capacity for a relationship is limited right now.

It's kind of sad because we were talking about how we got together and the initial "courting" that went on and she wondered why we were still together. She was wondering if she really loved me, if I loved her, why I would be with her and so on. It came down to her having to decide if she was just living with me so she could be in this area and not have to go back home. And whether or not she was with me out of some sort of
misplaced gratittude or what.

The thing about this whole thing is that we both met in a ward. We were both (I guess I wanted to think) coming out of severe depressions and I thought it would be a good idea. Pretty sure that it was not. That does not mean it wasn't a good thing as things go, but I'm much further along in dealing with my illness than she is. Subjective I know but I think true. But what the hell do I know. Anyway, were both working the best we can on getting better and staying that way. I have my meds where I need them and I make sure I take all the time I need to stay mellow and make sure I don't get crazy. That means that sometimes I get to work at 8.30A when I'm supposed to be there at 7.00A but management is very understanding. And given the quality of my work (again a subjective but true observation), I think they are quite happy to let me do what I need to do as long as my work doesn't slip and gets done Fair enough.

Just started munching on some fruit chew twists. Starburst™ variety. They taste kinda waxy and funny. Not really that good. Can't recommend them. I can vouch for the Starburst Jelly Beans™ though. They are very good. The machines at work for a long time had JujyFruits™ which I became addicted to. Then, last week to my horror, they replaced the JujyFruits™ with RedVines™ and now I have taken to doing at least one bag a day. They put them in the same slot (F8) and that slot is 75¢ so it's a real value for the amount you get. I am waiting for the JujyFruits™ to come back though. And who are they??? They are always doing things like that!!! Screwing around with things that should just be left alone. They are messing around with the primal forces that order our Universe!!!!!

Seems some more of the OpenPages clique have decided that personal angst, depression laden pages are shit or not worth looking at or something. I've been reading and hearing about peoples experiences with those who wish that people who have tough lives would not write about them. From my own subjective knothole, it seems that those plastic people who live and write about their plastic lives are a little unsettled by those who do not live and write about plastic lives and are not afraid to be human and honsest about themselves. I just deleted a real rant about the above but decided I'd be nice and not say anything. Reading their pages is enough truth for the matter. I'm a boring corporate cog. I make no bones about it.

What's New

So.....I took the lead position at work. It seems to have angered a co-worker who was looking forward to being named to that position. I feel kinda bad about that cause I didn't want the job. It just got offered to me. I had enough to keep me busy as it was but the program needed someone more capable so moi. Oh well. I really hated to hear that cause I know the person from at least five years ago and I'm sorry it didn't work out for the person. I like the person and think they are good people (cause really most everyone is). What? Didja think I didn't have a heart or something? I feel bad but I have to do what I have to do and another person would have been selected anyway. I have a family to think of here. And will have more if the lawyers work out. More on that as it develops.

Got the office set up in the second bedroom. Oh yeah. We moved over the last weekend. We got called on Friday that a 2 bedroom and 2 bath unit had come open unexpectedly and did we want it? Course we do we said! And so by Sunday PM were happily tidying up and making things shipshape. It got a little tense over the move but then that's to be expected. Thankfully the complex had a dolly they let people use for transfers and so all the heavy stuff got moved by that. Taking the futon apart, dragging the futon and then putting it back together was the worst part of it all.

Called the cable company to get the cable switched over and they told me it would be next Tuesday (the 8th) before they could get around to it. I guess when we got it turned on we truly got our miracle for the year. Now were back to typical cable company bullshit. The phone company took a little over 24 hours to get the phone hooked up so that wasn't too bad. Did suffer a little deprivation of Internet but the shaking wasn't too bad this time. Turned in the change of address forms and now I need to tell everyone I know what the new address is and send out a ton of emails. The neat things is that we now face a copse of woods so we can leave our window shades open and we are one floor down so bringing things up (read groceries) is easier. We don't have the constant nightly glare of the auto dealerships nor the speakers requesting salesman so and so to come to the sales managers office so they can figure out ways to rip off another customer. And, the best part, is that we don't have the constant noise of the major artery running right by our windows!!!! It is so quiet on this side that it's hard to believe we only moved less than 200 feet laterally. Amazing!!!!

Now if Colette can find a job she likes we can get a second car and get on with some other things we need to do like get our savings beefed up. I'm taking out as much as possible for retirement but we need some buffer and some savings for lawyers and her working is the only way that is going to happen. Seems to be some resistance on her part but I think that's due to depression. Time will tell. I keep getting these rashes and itchy spots and I think it's due to stress of the relationship. Could be just living with someone after almost five years alone. If not, it's not a good sign. Could be that this relationship is not right. Something we discussed and pretty much agreed is the case but we would take it easy and see.

The trackball seems to be working out fairly well. I do miss having the control that a mouse gives so we'll see how I adapt. I can just point faster with a mouse than a trackball. Plus the thing ain't quite big enough for me. The button mapping on it is nice tho. Colette got ME's "Yes I Am" the other day and I have it on now. Hence the ME lyric on the page. Usually it's the Girls but today I had to use ME.

That's all. You may go now.

Be Joyous!

Email the Drewster

<A Canada Dry Ginger Ale and a Marlboro Light>

"Anyway."

Copyright ©1996, 1997 A.T.Green. All Rights Reserved.