September 26, 1997

"Take off my shield, carry my sword..."



What's New...


Massive panic attacks. I took Wednesday off and could hardly make it to the therapists office. I then couldn't get out of bed for fear. Fear? Fear of what? I wish to God I knew. I only know I'm paralyzed by it. I'm to the point where I can barely function. I had to stay up all night last night just so I could get in to sign my time and let them know I wouldn't be in today either. I am in real trouble. I'm scared of what I'm feeling and what it is doing to me. I'm scared I may have to go back into the hospital this weekend. At least I'm not suicidal but I have thought of death and how nice it would be not to have to think about this anymore. Or be like this. Or worry when my next crash will happen. Or how I'll manage. I just can't do this anymore.

I'm too embarrased to say how bad, dirty, nasty my apartment is. It's a hole. The floors, carpets, kitchen. I know it's bad but living is taking up so much energy right now that I can't do anything about it. And the feeling in my chest just keeps getting worse and worse. Like a hovering doom. No, I'm not suicidal. But I'm damn tired and I just want to get out of this valley I'm in and get better again.

On a happier note, Zoot is sitting on the desk facing me purring. He is filling out and should make a very fine bud when he stops jumping at things, namely me, and ripping my legs to shreds.

I don't want this anymore.

What's On My Mind


I don't know what is on my mind. I only know my mind has crashed and burned and I'm trapped in the wreckage.

I have this orange tabby cat sitting on my lap and I thank God I have an orange tabby cat sitting on my lap. Zoot is an affectionate rascal and he helps me. Some company during this episode.

My memory is starting to go again. I can't concentrate, can't function. Barely am able to stay clean and dressed. I called and left a message for the shrinko and said I really need to come in. Waiting to hear back. I'm really scared. One part of me just wants to lay down and die and another wants to be out of this shit and it knows it never will be and I can hear it screaming down the corridors of my mind.

I've got work at work that isn't getting done. I have people to deal with there that I can't deal with and requirements I can't meet. It's freezing me in place. It gets worse and all I can do is sit and watch it all happen.

I feel very sad. I feel lost, hopeless, alone, helpless, terrified of what is happening to my mind, panic stricken, tired. I'm tired. I'm so very tired. I'm tired of trying, tired of mood swings, cycling, therapy, paying medical bills, paying bills in general (okay, that one was a whine). Fuck. Just fuck this.



Be Joyous!



'Cause somewhere out there, one of your friends needs to hear from you. Real bad...


<a smoke>


"I won't need it anymore."

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Copyright ©1996, 1997 A.T.Green. All Rights Reserved.

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