Diary of an AOL User.
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've
heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a
free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me
anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my
computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat
me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it
goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm
confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That
nine year old next door did it for me. But it still won't work. I
cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to
America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a
prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid.
He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's
smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell
me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do
they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you
only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are
not supposed to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the
dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid
figured it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America
Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to
use this AmericaOnline stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He
says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after
all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my
computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it
because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using
capital letters. Howd o they do that? I never figured out how to
type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of
keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO
COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY
SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD
HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY
SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A
STANDARD.I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER
BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM
TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT
SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44
SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO
POST THIS JOKE ABOUTTHE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO
THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED
IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DIDN'T
NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ
IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT
TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN'T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT
22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T
HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY
MESSAGES. WHATA STUPID JERK. I'M NOT SHOUTING! I'M NOT EVEN TALKING!
JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE
INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not supposed
to use it? It's probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm
so excited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his
instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages
long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I
read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off
the face of the earth. I wonderwhat an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information
about something. Someguy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've
looked and looked but I can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the
Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. Hopefully someone will
help. I can't ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he
comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep
or do his homework. So they won't let him come over anymore. I do
have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group
didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some
people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad
words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the
Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday
to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know
everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm
also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I
was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so
dumb.