October 7, 1996
"Well...these go to eleven...."
It is too laugh. There are places some people shouldn't go. For me, for example, it's music stores. I could be up to my eyeballs in debt (which coincidentally I am) and I would still want a new guitar. An alcoholic may want a drink, an addict a fix. Me? I want that guitar on the wall right there. See, I been lookin for this model for about 120 years now and I gotta have it.
Yeah right. When I win the lotto.
So the sales dude asks me "Do ya wanna play it" as the horns sprout from his forehead and his eyes glow red and the tail on his behind starts switching right and left.
"Nah I reply" cause I know that way lies pain and damnation and high balances on my MasterCard.
"You can walk out with it tonight ya know....just sign here!".
I look at this creature before me, whose eyes continue to glow more redly with each passing second, and I say "What the hell is this? Another credit application?"
"Nah" replies this apprentice fiend from hell of a salesman "it's the contract to your soul!"
Intrigued I query him further "Oh Yeah? What's the interest rate?"
Lucifer Jr. gives me a puzzled look "No. It's a contract for your soul. You sign, you get the guitar".
And I said "Right. OK. What's the interest rate?"
Demon man's eyes begin to cross as he tries to explain to me about this conract he's holding. I'm not buying it.
So I says " I think you're trying to cheat me!"
He says "That's right! That's the whole point! Now sign this you moron!"
"Nah" says I, convinced I'm being led down the proverbial "garden path" by a pretty slick salesman. So I beat feet quick. As I climbed into my gomobubble, I could hear noises that almost sounded like the tortured screams of poor damned souls of guitar players everywhere. I figured that couldn't be right, so I vowed to take the sled in for service at the very next opportunity.
BEWARE - This really happened! It could happen to you!
Oh I'm really unhappy today. I have this, well, let's just call it an "inflamation" on the bridge of my nose. And it won't go away! I put the goop on it, hoping to like, burn my nose off, and it ain't working. Plus, it makes my nose itch, so I'm also rubbing the goop off as fast as I can put it on. Fuh!!
So, my buddy, Appendix Man (see yesterday's entry), is going to Florida tomorrow. Don't worry, he had the appendix out weeks ago. He just got around to telling me last night. He says if he doesn't go now, work will eat him alive and he won't get out until 1997 sometime. So, he's going to Florida after work tomorrow. Tomorrow. "Bill", says I. "What about Josephine, the almost hurricane?". Bill thinks it will be gone by then. No, your hotel might be gone, but the storm will be lingering just for you son. He has the worst luck with Florida. Destin was his first Honeymoon destination until Destin was cancelled by another Hurricane whose name I can't remember but it ruined his Honeymoon plans. Poor Bill. Poor Florida.
Hey! I get to have my pre-employment briefing at 7:15 in the morning! Yippee! Anyone want to tell me why I'm so excited! 7:15AM! Excuse me ma'am. But, do you think you could have given me a WORSE time to be alert and looking good? Sheesh! I'll just get up around 4:00AM to get ready and get on the road to beat traffic shall I? But, I'm not complaining...I got me a job! That pays real dollars!
So I can get me another....... GUITAR!!!!!
Stay Tuned...
Drew
</RANT>
