May 25, 1997
"Who knows maybe you were tied up, taken away and held for ransom!"
So...another Sunday. We were going to Port Angeles AGAIN yesterday, but events have taken an unexpected and sad turn. C's depression is not getting any better and she is drinking. It got so bad that the last time I told her that if it happened again, she would have to look for another place to stay. We'll....it happened again and this weekend we have been agonizing over where and when she will go. I don't want this relationship to end and have continually told her I would stand by her but that we needed to have a healthy relationship. It looks like she will leave sometime next week as soon as she can find a program to get into.
So, it's pretty sad around her right now. I think she has given up on our relationship rather than work through these problems. I told her that I have to protect my recovery from depression and that the way things are now would jeopardize my state of mind. And since this is the beginning of this relationship, it is better that we sort things out now rather than carry this baggage forward. I stayed home from work on Friday because she left Thursday (after drinking all day) and didn't call back until 12.15 and 1.00A to let me know where she was. I was worried sick and went out looking for her. It's something you are not supposed to do but I did it until the futility of it forced me to stop. I mean, you can only pass by so many bars wondering which one she is before you realize you can't do anything about it. Al-Anon (whose site I visited) counsels that you have to let the Alcoholic crash and not save them. You can't make threats you don't can't or won't follow through on. Which is why it is essential that she move out and get help. I can't fall into the trap of making threats, getting apologies and then going through it all again.
It is very tough to do this. I love her but I can't live with this sort of stuff. I know all the things she is going through. She is isolating and minimizing and in some severe denial. She says she learned all she could learn in the programs she's been in but she still doesn't do the things she needs to do. It feels kinda cold and vacant to do this but she has got to realize that I will not save her, nor rescue her or participate in this sort of thing. I can't. She doesn't talk; only responds to questions. Doesn't like to open up and explore her feelings. She keeps them locked up inside her. I used to do that and I know how unhealthy it is to live like that.
On a more up note, things are great at work. The new assignment keeps getting more complex and requires more of my concentration and work. Which is good. The first one was kinda small and didn't require a lot of brainpower to do. Now that I'm working at a higher level in the program, it requires more coordination between groups and understanding of the processes involved. I'd like to get a Webmaster job at the company but I may be out of the pay scale for that job type. I'll wait and see.
I put one of my guitars in the shop last week. The plug jack had disintegrated and needed to be rebuilt. It was the one I bought last year so I'm hoping it might be covered by some kind of warranty. If not, I'm going to contact Godin and see if they will reimburse me for it. I've never had a jack fall apart like that and it's not usual. I haven't been playing as much as I'd like because of the relationship, and to be honest, being around C is more fun than playing the guitar. But now that things are coming to a close (seemingly), I think I will be playing more. And more importantly, getting back with friends that I haven't been out with in a while and interacting with people. Which I like to do now that I'm healthy.
I've got a headache right now that stems from not getting into Caffeine and Nicotine as early in the day as I should. We all have our addictions don't we???
I've put on some weight since I started getting better. Around Christmas I weighed 160 lbs, and now I don't know what I weigh. Probably around 180. I'm 6'3" so I'm not fat, just out of shape. I got this email from someone a few weeks ago that said I should listen to Steven Covey's "7 Habits of Effective People" on tape all the time. I guess he was referring to the things I put in my post. I wish he would have referenced the entry that had prompted him to write the thing. I didn't respond since I've read Covey and what he says doesn't really get to me. It seems to be rehashed other stuff to me.
We've got really grey skies today with no rain. Kind of a day to recuperate and recharge. I don't have anything pressing that needs to get done so it doesn't look like we'll be going anywhere special. We need to go meet someone who owes C some money. He borrowed it last week and she will need to get it back for the coming month. She doesn't have that much income and still she lent him money. She's got a really good heart.
She does have the music up in the bathroom now though while she takes a shower and I can't even hear Enya on the room stereo. She likes her music louder than I do which has always generated a bit of friction. Just one of those things that you learn to work around and compromise on. This has been a really good relationship otherwise. It is a step for both of us in our recovery. Instead of living out our unhealthy patterns of the past, we (at least for me) have been trying to do the right things. For the most part, it has worked.
Having tomorrow off is really nice. It's a real brain rester and after the long stretch from the Christmas holidays to now, most people (including me) need a break. I did have January to early April off but it sure wasn't a vacation!
That's all.
Be Joyous!
Drew
<Coffee and a ML....>
"Oh no! You don't have to live like a refugee!!!"
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