July 20, 1997




"Prego!!!"



What's On My Mind


So it's now 0137 on Monday. I spent the day in bed. Why?? I think I had a real bad attack of depression. No, I know I had a real bad attack of depression. I think I am having a reaction to C being gone and realizing I'm alone again for a time. I ain't going out looking for a new roommate soon so I have to get used to this. I really wanted the relationship to work with her, and now that it's over, I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself. I really don't want to go back to being the hermit I was, but at least I save a lot of money that way.

Was cruising around the net looking for something interesting and went into the Sinn Fein site. A lot of good stuff there including some good history on the "Bloody Sunday" massacre in 1972. We in the US have it so good compated to the rest of the world that it isn't even funny. In Brazil, the cops are on strike for decent wages and the people are going batshit. The US has flooding and earthquakes and other natural disaster-type things, and to be honest, quite a bit of racism. But, the chance is still there for someone to lead a happy life and have it better than their parents if they want it bad enough. Not so in other countries.

Depression. I am wondering if the bout I had with it yesterday was relationship driven or due to the fact that I anesthaetized myself with alcohol this weekend. I had nothing special planned for the weekend and didn't feel like watching the clock tick off the seconds, so I decided to make it a little more bearable. I knew that doing that is stupid and dangerous. One, you can find yourself doing it all the time, and second, it screws up your meds. So I think that Sunday's depression was due mostly to the imbalance I had with the alcohol, and partly due to C's absence.

I remember thinking to myself as I was having some beers that this is probably how most people with alcoholism started. Using alcohol to wall off feelings or just to feel better. I thank God I don't buy the stuff that often. Anyone can become an alcoholic. Going from casual ingester to alcoholic is just a matter of degrees.

For me, the purpose of this journal is to not lie to myself. I write it down, post it and it is there forever. There is no denying that I wrote it or felt it. I can't later just forget about it. It helps me not to hide what I'm feeling and thinking. Other journalers wonder why they keep journals. Maybe it's to be more real to themselves, or to etch something somewhere that says they matter or that they were here at all. I don't know. I can only speak for my reality.

Some journalers keep all the email that they have received and store it. Some post it. Some erect elaborate systems to make sure that others know when they post. Some do not. Some showcase their art and some their writing. It seems that edifice construction is a typical human thing. We create monuments to ourselves whether out of stone, money, people, electrons or whatever we can get our hands on. For me, I just want to slip quietly through this life doing as much good as I can. I don't care if anyone remembers who I am 10 minutes after I'm dead. Which will probably be the case anyway.

Been yakking with my ex-wife and she is coming out here for a wedding in Sept. I also cannot find the tape that has our wedding on it. I hope C didn't erase it or use it or throw it away in a manic fit one day. I would miss that.

I kinda want to update this thing more but it seems my life gets in the way at the end of a day, I'm just ready to relax and surf. I've only emailed my home account once with stuff that occurred to me at work, and that is when I get some of my best ideas. I guess I need to start writing down ideas when they hit and not thinking I will remember them. I never do. Especially now since I am still post-processing Colette and me. But I feel good now that I have had some sleep and am looking forward to the new day. Which in itself is encouraging. I think I went through a period of feeling sorry for myself. One day is okay for that. Anymore and I'd really start to worry.



What's New...


C showed up last night at around 7.00P to pick up he mail and to ask (again) if I had cancelled our health club membership. I told he I had done it Saturday. Why does this woman who only lives upstairs from me not call first?? I was in bed sleeping (see above) and could have used the snooze time. So it goes. She looks okay but I wonder what she is doing these days. She wanted to buy a pack of smokes from me and knowing she has no money, I just gave her most of a pack already opened. She left. I could do without her continual presence in my life right now. I stayed up a while and then thought about going to bed but decided to watch Mission Impossible and by then it was after 0100 so I will stay up tonight and be asleep by 5.00P tonight. I have to be in early all this week and next anyway, so I need to have as much rest as possible. These are the times that try men's levels of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers.

We have a major two weeks ahead of us at work. Four 3 hour meetings this week and possibly four the next. Get's old in a hurry I can tell you. Endless engineering questions and documenting decisions and personalities and bad coffee and even badder breath, and by the end of it, you come away with something that is good for about 2-3 months. Then it all changes. But, I am employed, and I like my job so you go with what you get.

Just cranked up The Girls - "Secure Yourself". I think that after all this time, I have finally decided that their first is my favorite. Don't know why. Just seems that I like all of the tunes on this CD. Just finished off a pack of smokes in something under 5 hours. This is not good. Smoking way too much. Hope to stop that soon. So now I'm out of smokes. Damn!

Upgraded to system 7.5 again because I was sick of crash after crash with 7.1.2P. Seems to be okay now that I have tweaked it a little and taken out absolutely every unessential extension and control panel I possibly can. I also turned off Java and now Netscape doesn't crash. I absolutely cannot wait till I get a PowerPC so I can run the BeOS which is now shipping!!! Yippee!!! I'm going to save up my coin and get a box with dual-processors and a 4GB disk with 128MB's of RAM. That should last about as long as this box. This 'chine was already a year out of date when I got it in '95 but it has served me well. I'm going to donate it to my Parish or to a non-profit that needs one. As a word processor or spreadsheet machine, it would be fine. Doing layout or graphics would be pushing it a bit. Course, unless you like to torture yourself trying to drive PhotoShop in real time on a 66Mhz machine.

Haven't won the lottery yet so I guess I'm going to be working for a while. I only got the dishwasher started last night. I wanted to do some clothes this weekend and mop and vacuum and got none of it done. Not good. This is a sign. Called my shrink and begged (into an answering machine) for any time soon to see him. I need to get my scrips renewed, and maybe discuss strategies for me in case my meds decrease in effectiveness.

Fuck it. Just ran out to the store for some smokes. I saw a woman alone at the phone booth. I couldn't help thinking "what are you doing out here alone at 0240?" Is she homeless, lost or what? Would that have been C (or was it for a few days?) and how many people are lost out there? With no one to look after them, to love them and care for them. To make them feel like they are wanted? How many in this world have no one to love them? How many have no love in their lives? Either from someone else or for themselves?

Bean listening to this CD now for two hours and I am convinced that "Kid Fears" is my favorite Indigo Girls tune. Don't get no better than that. The Michael Stipe backup works very well. Very tasty.

Just love.



Be Joyous!


Email Me The killer app. Use it.


<A cup of Yuban™ and a smoke or two...>


"It's in there!!!"



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