September 13, 1997

September 13, 1997

"And looking on..."

What's New...

Well, I was getting depressed. I went to the shrink on Wednesday and got my Depakote increased 50%. My levels had fallen to half what they were at the end of July. I feel, or am beginning to feel better now so I hope that is all it takes. The Effexor dose stayed the same. I see my therapist this coming Thursday and need to get back on a monthly schedule with him so I can avoid getting to far out of line. I think that my recovery was not nearly as I thought. I had a good first run and I accept that. I went backward for a time, recognized it and got back on track. It's all part of learning to live with this thing and that recovery is a lifetime thing.

Got pretty manic over the last few weeks and exchanged some email with a dear female friend. I know that it didn't help her any. Sorry J. She is a good person and I don't need to be making her life anymore difficult than it already is.

One problem at work is over. One moves on. Now the other one. I don't write much about what is really happening cause it's proprietary, and writing about it could get me in big trouble. Like, fired or sued. So it goes. At least I work with some truly nice people who give a damn about doing a good job. We got lots of different personalities and job functions and employment status types and it all seems to work out. We have contractors that I would love to see become regular employees and some regular employees I would love to see gone but there it is.

I got this really funky haircut this week. Got a Caesar haircut the last time cause it looks good even after you take off your helmet. This time I got the same thing but the sides are kind of odd and at least it eventually grows out. I wanted a Caeser with a modified Chili Bowl and it didn't work out. So it goes. It keeps my head cool.

I got two copies of the BeOS Preview Release in MacUser's September issue! Now all I need to get a 'puter that will run the thing. It would also be nice if Be got it together and got a useable Macintosh emulator running on their OS. Fredlabs was going to do it but couldn't get anyone to sign up and finance the thing. What a drag.

What's On My Mind

I slept really well last night and I'm just sitting here buck naked listening to Madman Across The Water and wondering when I'm going to go take the motorcycle endorsement test. I'm still feeling a bit isolative and don't really want to go out and do things. For one, it's bright as hell outside (yes, the blinds are drawn) and we haven't hit our rainy cycle yet so it's not the best weather for me. It's cool, but not there yet.

Saw my ex-wife for the first time in four years last Sunday. That was a true bummer. It was like opening a wound you've been trying hard to heal. She was bummed that I was having a down reaction to her and I told her that I was sorry I wasn't living up to her expectations but that that was the way I was feeling. I wasn't going to put on a show for the people we were visiting or act like things were different. That was a good thing for me to do. She had blonde hair and I didn't even recognize her when I first saw her cause she had makeup on, was wearing jewelry and looked very different from the person I used to know.

I've been fixating on every woman I see that fits my preferences. I know why I do that but it doesn't help the feelings of not having anyone around anymore. I'm just concentrating on not getting manic, trying to recognize the signs of depression and feeling okay about being alone for a while. Bummer. But there it is.

My brake signals on my scoot. The hand brake does not trigger the brake light now and I'm bummed about that. I have to take it in and get it fixed. Kind of glad I bought the warranty when I bought the bike. Probably take it in today and see if my manual has come in and ask where the hell is the license for this thing. Funny thing about bikes and WA. I ride to work on nice days the lot moto lot is full to brimming with bikes. On rainy days, the lot is nearly empty. This is WA folks. It rains here. Why don't more riders in WA ride in the rain? Odd don't ya think?

I hadn't updated this thing in a while. The not so good thing is that means that I hadn't looked at myself or my actions in a while and that is worse. I need to keep an eye out for the things that signal reversion to other mental states. So, I need to make sure I'm at this at least once a week or more.

I wish Elton John and Bernie Taupin had not broken up as a team. The stuff they did together is fantastic. The stuff Elton has done by himself ain't that great.

Be Joyous!

Jesus as he sails away to Venus.

<Some Yuban™ and some smokes>

"She sings the songs..."

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