September 2, 1997

September 2, 1997

"Sam I am...."

What's New...

So. Another day at home. I woke up this morning feeling awful again, like I'm never going to get over whatever it is that is kicking my intestines around. Sheesh! I wish I could trade them in for a new set. It could be stress, both from the job and from the recent removal of C from my life. I don't know. I used to get this kind of kick-your-ass sick years ago and don't know if I'm getting it back again. If so, that most surely signals that the Effexor has begun to lose it's potency and that when I see the shrink, we're going to have to look at alternate ways to get me back up to speed.

I have found that my tolerance for doing overtime is about nil. I was reading alt.support.depression the other day and one of the posters was talking about how taking AD's takes away the energy to get a lot done. It really stuck me that that is what I used to count on to do a lot of overtime and get things done. It also struck me that I needed overtime in order to do the work I should have been doing while I was sitting around in a trance. I used to do nothing, immobilized by my depression and then have to work OT to get things done. At least now I think more clearly and do the things I have to do without doing OT. Which is nice.

Played the git some over the weekend. My hearing has gotten worse cause I need to turn the volume up on the headphones a little more than usual. Oh well. Don't grow old. My fingers have forgotten a lot but a few hours and I had some detexterity back and was doing some good runs. Just don't have the desire to spend hours at it like I used to. Especially if I'm not depressed or in a band. But there is something about the sound of certain distortions at certain volumes that makes me come back to it. It's like a liquid. Warm and smooth and running. Fluid sounds rippling into my ears caused by me. The certain playing style that a certain type of guitar will put you into. Each of my gits seems to make me play a different style. My Godin will put me into more of a melodic blues style and the Tele Elite makes the southern rock style come out. Don't know why. I always go into an Indigo Girls thang with my acoustics. I guess it's where your head is at at the time.

Dreams. Been dreaming my ass off. I have no idea why. In the last month I have started having very vivid dreams that I don't remember well but that I remember having. They are very involved and convoluted with the type of story lines I used to get. Maybe that is telling. Maybe the return of vivid dreams signals that my depression IS returning. We'll see. All signs seem to be pointing that way.

What's On My Mind

Changing the look of the diary page. I like the green and brown but I feel like I might want to change it. To what I have no idea.

A lot of sleeping. I slept most of today. I missed hearing the phone ring and missed out on talking to someone I dearly wanted to speak with. And I mean DEARLY wanted to talk to. Sorry J.

I can't tell right now if I'm getting depressed again or if I'm just recovering from an attack of Shingles. I got the Chicken Pox in 1993 and that was hell. I had never had them before and it kicked my ass. The nerve pain was incredible. Now, I've been broken out in red splotches for about 2-3 weeks and my energy level is on the floor. So, the next few weeks till I see the shrink will tell me what's going on. If the rash goes away and I get more energy, then I have my answer. I also have the answer if it does not. Either way I can deal with it.

Missed an important meeting at work today. I totally zoned on it. If I had remembered that today was schedule brief day, I would have drug myself in for it. As it was, it probably didn't matter. Most of my group wasn't there (which isn't good either) and people wanted to cancel it but it was held anyway. Which I can understand. The scheduling teams need to be checked by our supervisor to make sure that all the scheds are together and that the schedulers know what is in them.

To be honest...I'm horny. I didn' have much of a sex life before I came out from under the depression and now that I feel like having sex, I feel like having sex. Seems simple doesn't it? Not if you're alone and that's not much fun is it?

Went to the DMV on Saturday and they were closed. So, now when do I get to take my written test so I can take my drive test and get my motorcycle endorsement? Damn! I would have loved to go riding this last weekend (assuming I wasn't bent over with GI crud)! I guess next Saturday early. Get there early in the morning, take (and pass) the test and maybe fate will smile on me and I'll get a cancelled appointment that day or near term. At any rate, I'll have it in time to go to Vancouver Island by Thanksgiving.

Paying my MasterCard and Insurance. I just remembered the insurance is overdue. Damn! I'll get that out tomm. I have to renew my WA tags. At $356.35 for one year, they better keep the roads up a damn site better than they have been!!!

Be Joyous!

me J. Hugs to ya!!!!

<Some Bud Ice™ and some Marlboro Light's™>

"Green Eggs and Ham..."

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