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October 5, 1997
"You said what??"
What's New...
Well, I got the gig to do two new sites. One with an entire
domain and another that will reside within that domain. I spent all day yesterday
reworking a site I used to maintain. It will, for the most part, be part of the new
project too. It will be nice to have a "one stop shop" for everything I
maintain.
I discovered a capability of some software that I didn't know
was there. I may not be able to create thumbs but it does significantly reduce the
size of my images. The software is MetalWorks from SoftQuad. It came with HoTMetaL
3.0 which really is a crummy piece of work compared to Visual Page. But, MW will
do lots of stuff. Most importantly, it will allow me to crop images and lay effects
on them and then compress the finished image to something acceptable. Coupled with
the QuickCam, things are looking up.
I have looked at NetObjects Fusion and GoLive's Cyber
Studio and they both require PowerPC 'puters. This is a major drag. It will be
next year before I can get a PowerPC so I'll just have to make do with what I have.
Which is good. I have some basic tools that will make it possible to do global changes
and that helps.
Going to try to rig up some kind of support to hang my quick
cam from. Then I'll take a pic of some text and see if I can get my OCR S/W to read
it. That would be really nice. I wouldn't have to get a scanner for the upcoming
work.
Had a good chat with a friend from the mid-west. Hadn't spoken
for a while so it was nice. It's hard to believe I have been gone from Indiana for
over a year and a half. I miss the bro's and the community. Still thinking if a vocation
is for me. Probably not though. I'm too dark for that kind of life even though I
really cherish the community and communal prayer. My prayer life is non-existent.
I pray but not the quantity or, most importantly, the quality it once was. I know
that God is with me through everything. Maybe I'm just taking the protection for
granted. Maybe that's what we're supposed do. Live totally on Spirit power. Am I?
God knows.
What's On My Mind...The Nature of Thought...
I'm contemplating cutting my meds back to
where they were before I crashed. No, that's a lie. In fact, I already have starting
today. I am seriously thinking about dropping my meds altogether. The shrink really
pissed me off last visit and so did the therapist. Plus, the increased dosage is
making me worse and not better. Being depressed is something that I am comfortable
with and least I know how to live like that. Living on AD's and mood stabilizers
is something that has been a roller-coaster and a pain. Maybe I'm running from something.
Don't know right now.
Bean thinking about thinking. My thinking has been pretty boring
lately. I remember when Prozac came out. There was an article in Newsweek about people
taking the "happiness" pill and how this would affect art and the human
experience. Certainly, people feeling well is good but if you have no one who is
angst ridden, tortured emotionally, troubled, then where is the art that we have
gotten from so many souls like that? VanGogh, Hemingway, Dali, Sylvia Plath, and
others? My imagination has always been good. My creativity has lagged somewhat behind
that. I can handle that. However, on meds, my creativity is almost non-existent.
I don't want to create. Only to exist. Feeling good took over from living,
or at least what I called living. And I wasn't living then either. Just existing
but on a different level. I felt more intensely and thought more deeply. Maybe not
as clearly but better. This makes no sense unless you have been there. It is true
for me though. Course that's the subjective view. I have no real way to know what
I know ya know.
Most of what has defined me up to this point
has been pain. A lot of it due to things I have since learned come from the past
and driven by behaviours influenced from the past. So, the question is: Can I live
without meds? With the new insight that I have, I don't know. I'm thinking of giving
it a try. In alt.support.depression, I've read posts of people who have been on meds
and stopped. It made them feel less than what they were. I can relate to that. It's
kind of a dulling, but something that you can't sense as dulling. Something that
is only apparant over time as you look back to who and what you once were. Sometimes
I get this tightness in the chest as I think about it and wonder what part of me
I'm missing. What is being blocked? What have I lost? Who am I now? It's a bit frightening.
As I write this I've found that trying to codify the feelings and express how I feel
has only made them that much more elusive and pushes them away. The more I try to
write about them the harder it becomes to write about them. Or explain them. Great.
That too is probably due to the meds.
It's been said that there is a fine line between
genius and madness. I'm neither. However, I do feel that creativity and brilliance
are the result of an intricate chemical balance between neuro-transmitters. In the
future, you'll be able to pop a pill to make you more creative, voluble, social,
etc. You can already get stabilizers for panic attacks. Don't know how far in the
future that will be. It may have to wait on the results fo the Human
Genome Project due to individual characteristics influencing amounts and types
of NT's needed. Although, all humans would be succeptible to certain gross types
and amounts. The amount of work to be done after the HGP is complete is staggering.
Imagine the almost infinate combinations to human DNA. Then imagine running simulation
after simulation to combine them in all their different possible permutations. I
am NOT signing up for that project. As it stands right now, there isn't enough
computational power in the entire world to get it done in anything approaching a
lifetime, or maybe many lifetimes. Maybe there is. What do I know...
Festering
Oktoberscoot was this weekend. The Seattle scooterists get together at this time
of the year to run amok and visit breweries in the Seattle area. If I hadn't sold
the scoot, I'd have been there. Colette and I had planned to do that as a couple.
So that brought up memories of her and I found a scanned pic of her which also triggered
the ghosts.
As it is, I have the PC800 and can do the tours
I've always wanted to do. Like the Canadian Rockies, B.C. and cross-country trips.
Cross-country on a 150cc scooter is not to be tried at home kids. Although, there
are twisted individuals who have done it. Hell, someone even did an IronButt (and
finished!) on a Honda Elite 250!!!! And, he bettered his time from the previous year!!!!
As for this weekend, it has been a true October weekend here. Mucho gusto rain and
wind. I figured it would be but I was prepared for that. But, the way I'm feeling,
I'm pretty much happier to have sat at home drinking coffee in the warmth of my hole.
As far as the PC800 is concerned, I need to go
back on Wednesday and retake the licensing exam. It's approaching the time I love
the best: Fall!!!! Riding through a fall rain
in the fog on the way to a cozy bed and breakfast or a lodge with a well-stocked
bar and roaring fireplace. Imagine!!!!! A long ride in the rain, getting out of the
gear, unpacking and then strolling to a warm, friendly atmosphere for an Irish Coffee
and hot Raspberry Scone!! Maybe not your cup of joe but it's mine. :-)
Whew!! This has been a long rambling post. I must be rested!!
Be Joyous!
The Zootster... My kind of cat...
<some coffee and a smoke>
"You can't say that!!!"
Copyright ©1996, 1997 A.T.Green. All Rights Reserved.
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