October 5, 1997 "You said what??" What's New... Well, I got the gig to do two new sites. One with an entire domain and another that will reside within that domain. I spent all day yesterday reworking a site I used to maintain. It will, for the most part, be part of the new project too. It will be nice to have a "one stop shop" for everything I maintain. I discovered a capability of some software that I didn't know was there. I may not be able to create thumbs but it does significantly reduce the size of my images. The software is MetalWorks from SoftQuad. It came with HoTMetaL 3.0 which really is a crummy piece of work compared to Visual Page. But, MW will do lots of stuff. Most importantly, it will allow me to crop images and lay effects on them and then compress the finished image to something acceptable. Coupled with the QuickCam, things are looking up. I have looked at NetObjects Fusion and GoLive's Cyber Studio and they both require PowerPC 'puters. This is a major drag. It will be next year before I can get a PowerPC so I'll just have to make do with what I have. Which is good. I have some basic tools that will make it possible to do global changes and that helps. Going to try to rig up some kind of support to hang my quick cam from. Then I'll take a pic of some text and see if I can get my OCR S/W to read it. That would be really nice. I wouldn't have to get a scanner for the upcoming work. Had a good chat with a friend from the mid-west. Hadn't spoken for a while so it was nice. It's hard to believe I have been gone from Indiana for over a year and a half. I miss the bro's and the community. Still thinking if a vocation is for me. Probably not though. I'm too dark for that kind of life even though I really cherish the community and communal prayer. My prayer life is non-existent. I pray but not the quantity or, most importantly, the quality it once was. I know that God is with me through everything. Maybe I'm just taking the protection for granted. Maybe that's what we're supposed do. Live totally on Spirit power. Am I? God knows. What's On My Mind...The Nature of Thought... I'm contemplating cutting my meds back to where they were before I crashed. No, that's a lie. In fact, I already have starting today. I am seriously thinking about dropping my meds altogether. The shrink really pissed me off last visit and so did the therapist. Plus, the increased dosage is making me worse and not better. Being depressed is something that I am comfortable with and least I know how to live like that. Living on AD's and mood stabilizers is something that has been a roller-coaster and a pain. Maybe I'm running from something. Don't know right now. Bean thinking about thinking. My thinking has been pretty boring lately. I remember when Prozac came out. There was an article in Newsweek about people taking the "happiness" pill and how this would affect art and the human experience. Certainly, people feeling well is good but if you have no one who is angst ridden, tortured emotionally, troubled, then where is the art that we have gotten from so many souls like that? VanGogh, Hemingway, Dali, Sylvia Plath, and others? My imagination has always been good. My creativity has lagged somewhat behind that. I can handle that. However, on meds, my creativity is almost non-existent. I don't want to create. Only to exist. Feeling good took over from living, or at least what I called living. And I wasn't living then either. Just existing but on a different level. I felt more intensely and thought more deeply. Maybe not as clearly but better. This makes no sense unless you have been there. It is true for me though. Course that's the subjective view. I have no real way to know what I know ya know. Most of what has defined me up to this point has been pain. A lot of it due to things I have since learned come from the past and driven by behaviours influenced from the past. So, the question is: Can I live without meds? With the new insight that I have, I don't know. I'm thinking of giving it a try. In alt.support.depression, I've read posts of people who have been on meds and stopped. It made them feel less than what they were. I can relate to that. It's kind of a dulling, but something that you can't sense as dulling. Something that is only apparant over time as you look back to who and what you once were. Sometimes I get this tightness in the chest as I think about it and wonder what part of me I'm missing. What is being blocked? What have I lost? Who am I now? It's a bit frightening. As I write this I've found that trying to codify the feelings and express how I feel has only made them that much more elusive and pushes them away. The more I try to write about them the harder it becomes to write about them. Or explain them. Great. That too is probably due to the meds. It's been said that there is a fine line between genius and madness. I'm neither. However, I do feel that creativity and brilliance are the result of an intricate chemical balance between neuro-transmitters. In the future, you'll be able to pop a pill to make you more creative, voluble, social, etc. You can already get stabilizers for panic attacks. Don't know how far in the future that will be. It may have to wait on the results fo the Human Genome Project due to individual characteristics influencing amounts and types of NT's needed. Although, all humans would be succeptible to certain gross types and amounts. The amount of work to be done after the HGP is complete is staggering. Imagine the almost infinate combinations to human DNA. Then imagine running simulation after simulation to combine them in all their different possible permutations. I am NOT signing up for that project. As it stands right now, there isn't enough computational power in the entire world to get it done in anything approaching a lifetime, or maybe many lifetimes. Maybe there is. What do I know... Festering Oktoberscoot was this weekend. The Seattle scooterists get together at this time of the year to run amok and visit breweries in the Seattle area. If I hadn't sold the scoot, I'd have been there. Colette and I had planned to do that as a couple. So that brought up memories of her and I found a scanned pic of her which also triggered the ghosts. As it is, I have the PC800 and can do the tours I've always wanted to do. Like the Canadian Rockies, B.C. and cross-country trips. Cross-country on a 150cc scooter is not to be tried at home kids. Although, there are twisted individuals who have done it. Hell, someone even did an IronButt (and finished!) on a Honda Elite 250!!!! And, he bettered his time from the previous year!!!! As for this weekend, it has been a true October weekend here. Mucho gusto rain and wind. I figured it would be but I was prepared for that. But, the way I'm feeling, I'm pretty much happier to have sat at home drinking coffee in the warmth of my hole. As far as the PC800 is concerned, I need to go back on Wednesday and retake the licensing exam. It's approaching the time I love the best: Fall!!!! Riding through a fall rain in the fog on the way to a cozy bed and breakfast or a lodge with a well-stocked bar and roaring fireplace. Imagine!!!!! A long ride in the rain, getting out of the gear, unpacking and then strolling to a warm, friendly atmosphere for an Irish Coffee and hot Raspberry Scone!! Maybe not your cup of joe but it's mine. :-) Whew!! This has been a long rambling post. I must be rested!! Be Joyous! The Zootster... My kind of cat... <some coffee and a smoke> "You can't say that!!!" Copyright ©1996, 1997 A.T.Green. All Rights Reserved.