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October 13, 1997
"Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me"
What's New
Bought some CD"s today. First time in about a year. I
got Fleetwood Mac's The Dance, Melissa Etheridge YES I AM, Indigo Girls
Shaming of The Sun, Indigo Girls 1200 Curfews and Natalie Merchant's
Tigerlily. I have The Dance playing now - "Silver Springs"
on loop. It is such a sad song. It was actually supposed to go on, well, I'll let
her own words suffice:
- I wrote it for Rumours, and fourteen years ago I walked into the studio and the
record was basically done. It was at the Record Plant, and Mick said, "Stevie,
I need you to come outside to the parking lot cause I need to talk to you for a minute."
And I knew it was really serious "cause Mick never asks you to go out to the
parking lot for anything. So we walked to the huge Record Plant parking lot and he
said, "I'm taking Silver Springs off the record." And, of course, my first
reaction was, "Why?" And he said, "There's a lot of reasons, but because
basicallv it's just too long. And we think that there's another of vour songs that's
better, so that's what we want to do." Before I started to get upset about Silver
Springs, I said, "What other song?" And he said, "A song called I
Don't Want To Know." And I said, "But I don't want that song on this record."
And he said, "Well, then don't sing it." And then I started to scream bloody
murder and probablv said every horriblv mean thing that you could possibly say to
another human being, and walked back in the studio completely flipped out. I said,
"Well, I'm not gonna sing I Don't Want To Know. I am one-fifth of this band.
"And they said. "Well, if vou don't like it, you can either (a) take a
hike or (b) you better go out there and sing I Don't Want To Know or you're only
gonna have two songs on the record." And so, basically, with a gun to my head,
I went out and sang I Don't Want To Know. And they put Silver Springs on the back
of Go Your Own Way.
~ BBC radio interview, 1991
Such a shame not to have had this song out there
among us all this time. It's fueling my mood right now. All lines on this page are
from "Silver Springs."
Got Zoot a new catbox today cause the one I got him was for
shit. It was that three part box that is supposed to sift the litter down to the
next one and interlock so nothing gets out. Supposed. That is the key word.
It don't. Don't be fooled.
What's On My Mind
Extreme sadness. Catches in my heart and breath. Started tearing
up this afternoon for some reason when I saw the snow and cloud covered Cascades
in the rearview. Don't know why. But it's getting stronger and more frequent. It's
the look. It's the pain that never left and just gets stronger the longer. It's the
pain I obey. It speaks to me like nothing else because the pain is never false. Pain
teaches like no other. Pain in rain like tears in rain. Relax my old friend, I'm
back.
Like a warm sack you keep your precious in. Offered
and rejected. No one ever objected. None ever suspected. Could it be? That it was
meant for me? And oh so carelessly. I remained free. Unknown as Claude Rains. And
oh....the pain. Excrutiatingly the same.
"You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that
loves you."
There is so much loss in life. Hell, it's all loss. The amount
we endure in a lifetime is a crime. Pain endured. Pain that shapes us. We become
a collection of our scars physical and emotional. I have no one to talk to about
this who would not judge me for my past with an eye on the future. Someone who would
understand. And not take a stand. Someone who has The Map before their eyes and can
read the road I'm on. And point. Just point. And not stare or beware.
Work. I have had it with the shit. I have no tolerance for
the insanity there. This is what The Project is all about. Something different.
I do have to say that co-worker's, and their understanding, is the only thing that
makes it bearable. I was really bugged and stressing out today and there was much
understanding. At least there were no recriminations. Not verbally anyway.
Does anyone know this feeling in my soul? Who I am, what I
say unless you read between my lines? I live alone. This shell only skin deep cracked.
Who what and where I? Anhedonia, my heart; I just wasn't able. Pleasant fable. Peasant
tables covered with mourning?
Ever notice how it's the poor, the children, women and old
people who suffer the most for those with dreams? Violent dreams of becoming the
oppressor? Do you ever wonder? Sometimes it all comes washing over me like a black
wave. I can feel it all: sorrow, pain, fruitlessness, lovelessness and longing and
sorrowing. If you ever open up to feel it, it will swallow you whole; for there is
no way to turn it off once on. Now you know why Jesus wept.
There's a place I want to go back to but I don't know where
it is. It's the place where I never knew my life. What I would, or want to, be. A
time so far removed from now as to exist in it's own space. Where I was small and
unafraid. Where the longest road ahead of me was the one home from school. Where
a strange path could take you someplace new. Not somewhere worse. Where you could
hear your Mom calling you home as the winter sun set on a street covered in snow.
Where you knew you were wanted, and welcomed, and would be warm. That place waits
for you still. Glittering with the sights and smells like new fallen snow. Where
the lights glisten through frosted windows at dusk. Wood smoke ringing the trees
in halos against the moon. How soon?
I see you. You see me. Did I say I saw you? The you you never
knew? You never knew. The me. Never knew me. The one I hid and hide. Watch me slide.
Watch me hide...in plain sight. Watch me slide...right out of sight.
Written to an online friend some time ago...
- There is no love like that lost which never was.
The forest and the trees sigh.
Evergreen evermore for it 'twas nevermore.
And I, once here, can only stay till gone.
For that is mine.
And you your's.
Forevermore.
Would that there had been the time, and space and place.
For us.
My Opus as written includes thee Rebecca.
A short sigh, it flies.
The song moves on.
And thus, as remembered, fades.
For as all begins, all ends.
As all.
In store for me the sea.
Wide and open and free.
To ride the crests and set sail for a far distant land
away...
Feeling the rocking breast of our eternal mother
as night descends.
Though speaks the language of despair, the night will not fall
while yet we draw breath. Three hits. True.
Be Joyous!
I'll follow you down till the
sound of my voice will haunt you.
<some caffeine and some nicotine>
"I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me."
Copyright ©1996, 1997 A.T.Green. All Rights Reserved.
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