October 13, 1997





"Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me"




What's New


Bought some CD"s today. First time in about a year. I got Fleetwood Mac's The Dance, Melissa Etheridge YES I AM, Indigo Girls Shaming of The Sun, Indigo Girls 1200 Curfews and Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily. I have The Dance playing now - "Silver Springs" on loop. It is such a sad song. It was actually supposed to go on, well, I'll let her own words suffice:

I wrote it for Rumours, and fourteen years ago I walked into the studio and the record was basically done. It was at the Record Plant, and Mick said, "Stevie, I need you to come outside to the parking lot cause I need to talk to you for a minute." And I knew it was really serious "cause Mick never asks you to go out to the parking lot for anything. So we walked to the huge Record Plant parking lot and he said, "I'm taking Silver Springs off the record." And, of course, my first reaction was, "Why?" And he said, "There's a lot of reasons, but because basicallv it's just too long. And we think that there's another of vour songs that's better, so that's what we want to do." Before I started to get upset about Silver Springs, I said, "What other song?" And he said, "A song called I Don't Want To Know." And I said, "But I don't want that song on this record." And he said, "Well, then don't sing it." And then I started to scream bloody murder and probablv said every horriblv mean thing that you could possibly say to another human being, and walked back in the studio completely flipped out. I said, "Well, I'm not gonna sing I Don't Want To Know. I am one-fifth of this band. "And they said. "Well, if vou don't like it, you can either (a) take a hike or (b) you better go out there and sing I Don't Want To Know or you're only gonna have two songs on the record." And so, basically, with a gun to my head, I went out and sang I Don't Want To Know. And they put Silver Springs on the back of Go Your Own Way.

~ BBC radio interview, 1991


Such a shame not to have had this song out there among us all this time. It's fueling my mood right now. All lines on this page are from "Silver Springs."

Got Zoot a new catbox today cause the one I got him was for shit. It was that three part box that is supposed to sift the litter down to the next one and interlock so nothing gets out. Supposed. That is the key word. It don't. Don't be fooled.





What's On My Mind



Extreme sadness. Catches in my heart and breath. Started tearing up this afternoon for some reason when I saw the snow and cloud covered Cascades in the rearview. Don't know why. But it's getting stronger and more frequent. It's the look. It's the pain that never left and just gets stronger the longer. It's the pain I obey. It speaks to me like nothing else because the pain is never false. Pain teaches like no other. Pain in rain like tears in rain. Relax my old friend, I'm back.

Like a warm sack you keep your precious in. Offered and rejected. No one ever objected. None ever suspected. Could it be? That it was meant for me? And oh so carelessly. I remained free. Unknown as Claude Rains. And oh....the pain. Excrutiatingly the same.

"You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you."

There is so much loss in life. Hell, it's all loss. The amount we endure in a lifetime is a crime. Pain endured. Pain that shapes us. We become a collection of our scars physical and emotional. I have no one to talk to about this who would not judge me for my past with an eye on the future. Someone who would understand. And not take a stand. Someone who has The Map before their eyes and can read the road I'm on. And point. Just point. And not stare or beware.

Work. I have had it with the shit. I have no tolerance for the insanity there. This is what The Project is all about. Something different. I do have to say that co-worker's, and their understanding, is the only thing that makes it bearable. I was really bugged and stressing out today and there was much understanding. At least there were no recriminations. Not verbally anyway.

Does anyone know this feeling in my soul? Who I am, what I say unless you read between my lines? I live alone. This shell only skin deep cracked. Who what and where I? Anhedonia, my heart; I just wasn't able. Pleasant fable. Peasant tables covered with mourning?

Ever notice how it's the poor, the children, women and old people who suffer the most for those with dreams? Violent dreams of becoming the oppressor? Do you ever wonder? Sometimes it all comes washing over me like a black wave. I can feel it all: sorrow, pain, fruitlessness, lovelessness and longing and sorrowing. If you ever open up to feel it, it will swallow you whole; for there is no way to turn it off once on. Now you know why Jesus wept.

There's a place I want to go back to but I don't know where it is. It's the place where I never knew my life. What I would, or want to, be. A time so far removed from now as to exist in it's own space. Where I was small and unafraid. Where the longest road ahead of me was the one home from school. Where a strange path could take you someplace new. Not somewhere worse. Where you could hear your Mom calling you home as the winter sun set on a street covered in snow. Where you knew you were wanted, and welcomed, and would be warm. That place waits for you still. Glittering with the sights and smells like new fallen snow. Where the lights glisten through frosted windows at dusk. Wood smoke ringing the trees in halos against the moon. How soon?

I see you. You see me. Did I say I saw you? The you you never knew? You never knew. The me. Never knew me. The one I hid and hide. Watch me slide. Watch me hide...in plain sight. Watch me slide...right out of sight.

Written to an online friend some time ago...

There is no love like that lost which never was.
The forest and the trees sigh.
Evergreen evermore for it 'twas nevermore.
And I, once here, can only stay till gone.
For that is mine.
And you your's.
Forevermore.

Would that there had been the time, and space and place.
For us.
My Opus as written includes thee Rebecca.
A short sigh, it flies.
The song moves on.
And thus, as remembered, fades.
For as all begins, all ends.
As all.

In store for me the sea.
Wide and open and free.
To ride the crests and set sail for a far distant land
away...
Feeling the rocking breast of our eternal mother
as night descends.


Though speaks the language of despair, the night will not fall while yet we draw breath. Three hits. True.







Be Joyous!



I'll follow you down till the sound of my voice will haunt you.


<some caffeine and some nicotine>


"I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me."





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