November 5, 1996
"I cannot put my finger on it now, the child is grown, the dream is gone....."
He He He...did my civic duty and exercised my rights and I feel good damnit! I VOTED! YEAH! Love it. Voted pretty much straight democratic cause I'm not familiar with local politics enough due to the move. Where party wasn't involved, I voted for women. Rather have women in office any day than men. When will a woman get elected President. If any of the womyn journalers I know have their way, it will be soon. As they say "I/women rule!". Nuff said? Women DO rule!
Anyway, felt like dogshit yesterday. Couldja tell? :-) I even got a call about 45 minutes after I posted it from Cat asking if I was okay. "Why? Didja read my entry for today?"
"Why would you say that?"
"Cause you haven't called in months!"
"Yes I read it."
"Well the answer is no. I'm not going to off myself."
Depression. Say it with me. Like an old shoe. Comfortable...yet it can bite you and make you bleed. Maybe it's why I like living in rain central.
I think, looking back, that I was depressed starting around 13 to 15 years old. Earlier than that I don't think I was and later I know for sure I was. It got to be I didn't know any other way to live than to live like that. Wasn't until this year that I finally got a handle on what caused/causes it (for me anyway) and began to deal with it instead of it dealing with me. Took two Dr.'s - one a Shrink and one a Phd Psych. Needed both to keep me from doing myself. Shocking isn't it? Not as much fun as living through it I assure you...
BTW, if you are depressed right now...go get help or go talk to someone NOW. Get off-line and quit hiding, sleeping, eating or whatever it is you do to hide and go get some help. Life is too short to live in that hell amigo....
I found out I have this genetic disconnect (and my oh my Droid...aren't we skirting dangerously close to the truth here???) that causes my depressions. Knowing this doesn't help keep them away, but it helps me to recognize the warning signs (death wish, sleeping, staying inside) so that I can deal with it. I.E. - grab that sonofabitch depression by the throat and choke the @#$$ out of him.... :-)
I have to find one good thing a day minimum. I have to work at a positive attitude daily. Some people take Lithium, Prozac, Insulin, Digitalis (showing my age...I guess it's Lanoxin now) to live on a day to day basis. I MUST stay positive and smile, be cheery and stay out of "slippery" states of mind. Not bad. Just is. Knowing that I can live fairly normally.
Cherish the one you're with. Or cherish yourself. No one else will..
Peace and love my friends.
Be well.
Copyright ©1996. Andrew T. Green. All Rights Reserved.
"I......have become, comfortably numb"
