November 7, 1996
"Give 'em what they want..."
I am so scroooooooed. I try to banish all my little demons and the little bastards come right back again! I am slipping out of time. Sounds really loose and turgid doesn't it? Sounds f****ng psycho to me! I used to have this friend called anorexia. Until someone pointed out to me that weighing 140 lbs at 6'3" was not too good a thing. So I got that going for me. I drank a lot in college. We can guess why can't we? Luckily I don't have the addictive gene for alcohol although I have a few others that are just as tricky.
I think I'm just tired of having to force joviality. Having to conciously look for good when there might not be. Having to pull myself out of any mental nose dives I might take. Having to stay up all the time. The difference here between good and bad is that I am not tired....just fed up with forcing goodness like water during the flu. Crud.
If I had gotten any worse this spring I would have had to check myself in somewhere cause it got to the point that I was barely communicating. Fate smiled on me with my finances and family other wise I would have been one of those scary people you see walking the streets mumbling to themselves or just sitting catatonically by a wall. Have mercy on those people people. There but for the grace of God, or higher power, or whatever it is you believe in...we are all just a short step away from disaster.
It's funny (not really though...I'm just saying that..). I'm not tired but I almost am. Not overworked but almost. And I can almost picture those little ******* waiting for me to get strung out so they can jump me when I least expect it.
Self-destructive thoughts echo at the most unlikely times.
If I wasn't still working with my Docs I don't know where I would be right now. Worse off comes to mind....
What kinda irks me the most is that I can no longer entertain the "dark" state of mind I used to. I enjoy gloomy things...days, readings, poetry, rooms, states of mind....and now I can't. I do realize that those gloomy things kept me hostage for years but I also miss them. Now I must be ever up, smiling, looking on the bright side, perky(NO! never perky! that creeps me out!). I don't even know if non-depressed people feel so "up" all the time. Being "up" all the time is tiring. It's work. *sigh*....
Okay. Self-indulgent whine is over with for today. Don't know what tomorrow will bring.
I don't know how I'm going to do this for another 20-odd years. One day at a time? I guess. As long as I don't think about it I'm pretty much okay.
I will NOT give in....NO!
Be well. "I'm trying....!"
Drew
</RANT>
Copyright ©1996. A.T. Green. All Rights Reserved.
"try to steal the glory...of my story"
