November 29, 1996
"you said the world was magic I was wide eyed and laughing"
I bean sick :-(
That was too close...scary now to even think back about it...
By the time I wrote that, I had already decided to kill myself over the Thanksgiving holiday. Luckily, something inside caused me to know this might be a bad thing...not necessarily a world class idea...But Thank God that I really did want to live..I made the call and did, FINALLY, get some help...maybe the hardest thing...because you realize that even though living in depression sucks, it's familiar. To admit you need help is to acknowledge that you are going somewhere new...somewhere unfamiliar and scary. Getting better is scary work....
Anyway, Monday I called and made an appointment with a Psychiatrist to get some help. Got a prescription for Zoloft (anti-depressant) which I have been taking for 48 hours now and feel incredibly better. A real difference....now the real work begins. :-)
In my last post I wrote that I felt grief, pain and sorrow. So much so that I thought the feelings alone were going to kill me. What is amazing is that I now don't feel those feelings. What is very apparent to me now is that I have no idea what NOT being depressed feels like. It feels so much different not dwelling on negtatives and self-deprecating thoughts that I can't believe it. Now I think I can deal with things through Therapy. It seems to be true that you can't do therapy till you begin to feel better. Well, slowly and tentatively, I'm beginning to feel better. I need to get stronger and explore these new things. Find out who I really am.
I am still capable of feelings, it's just that they are not overwhelming me. Zoloft is not a tranquilizer. It's a serotonin uptake inhibitor. It is adjusting the chemistry in my brain, not altering my personality or making me something like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"...like how would you know you were somebody else? :-) Nah. Just not feeling bad. What a concept!! Allowing a natural state to exist. I thought I would feel embarrassed about having to get help or take meds. Screw that!!!!! It's like I had high blood pressure for instance. You have to take meds to stay healthy. Well, this is the same thing. I need something to keep my brain firing right. I can LIVE with that :-)
The neat thing is that I have begun to feel emotions...I've felt anger and JOY and just this neat feeling of walking outside without feeling bad. Not feeling bad seems a little like euphoria...I can live with this too! :-)
I have some confessions and apologies to make:
I said I was okay between this entry and this one.......I lied.
I said I was already seeing someone for depression....I lied.
I said to friends and family I wouldn't do anything to harm myself....I lied.
I told those of you who wrote to me that I was okay and would get help....I lied.
I would have said anything to keep people of my back in case I wanted to....well, enough of that...
That's severe depression at work.
Even in the post from 11/4 I said to get some help. I couldn't even take my own advice...I even turned off my site.
But as a fellow Journaler wrote to me weeks ago "if you have to take the stuff for the rest of your life, then you do it.." Well, after breaking down and admitting that I need help, seeking it and finally getting some, I can say that I can live with that...
I want to make a Giant Chinasaur Thank-You to all of you!!!!! ...to all who have written, to those who have called, to those who worried. I love you all and appreciate all your comments and sentiments....especially those you who screamed at me, cursed me, tried to make me fight back... :-)
Anyway, somebody has asked me if I was going to continue to write. Damn straight I am....head high, back straight! Gonna explore this new territory and write back from my forays. Come along with me....
All the love in the world....
Drew
Copyright ©1996. A.T. Green. All Rights Reserved.
"I could've been your sister, I would have been your brother, you kissed me like I was a soldier heading for war...."
