December 27, 1996


"Everything I Truly Love..."

"Tripping in our yellow feet...checking underneath our sheets....."

Y E S!!!! It continues to snow here!!!! We have about 6-8"...not much by some standards but it's a fair blast for this area!!! Yippe!!!!

And so, with the Indigo Girls in the background....working on my issues....

...I say I am mad as hell at my parents....mostly my Mother.....I'm so mad I can't see straight!! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!! Why did You have to be so screwed up!!! Why did you take it out on me!!!! WHY!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!! Why did you not love me!!!!! Why did you make you love conditional!!!??????? Why didn't you for your depression??????? Why did you hate me so much!!!!?????????????? AAA aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

I am so tired of trying to be nice...polite.....and keeping my anger under control...D A M N Y O U!!!!!

I was never good enough....never looked right...never had the right friends...never played with the right friends...never did well enough in school...wasn't athletic enough...wasnn't good looking enough....wasn't smart enough...never enough!!!!! Why not!!!!???? Why couldn't you accept the me that was????? Did you try or just see a failure!!?????????? What the hell were you thinking of???? Did you think it was okay to unleash adult anger on a child??? That because I fought back that I had the tools to understand and deal with your anger??? That we were equals locked in some titanic struggle???? I was having one hell of a time just surviving and to have that on top of it....D A M N Y O U!!!

This is bitter....don't try this at home kids...Should have named this entry "You and Me of the 10,000 wars..." 'nother Girls song...

I'm tired of taking this hate....this anger out on myself....I'm tired of this emotional baggage I lug around....I'm tired of being the one who bends...I'm tired of this game....

Course...Mom is dead...so there is no answer....only some unfinished business with her ghost....I know her spirit forgives me as I try to forgive me and her....we did our best didn't we Mom??? Wasn't the best but we should give ourselves credit for that.... Course Mom was completely miserable herself...she blew herself away while I was overseas...another superior role model....even when I was thinking about killing myself I could almost see her Ghost in some kind of benediction telling me not to...that it wasn't the thing to do....thanks Mom...

Uh oh.....lights flickering....snow loading on the power lines...

Got the Girls on loop with "Hand Me Downs" from Nomads, Indians and Saints...love them girls....

Drank way too much wine last night...whew!!!! Really unloaded on a friend...but then...that's what friends are for...to forgive you when you get a little 'zooted and to kick your ass when you need it!! Thanks Cathie!!!

Fire alarms went off last night....I was skeered!!!!! Took the opportunity to take my trash out as I stood waiting to see if all was going to go up in smoke...thankfully not....bathrobes in the snow!!! And it was C O L D!!!! Some chilled flesh there you betcha....

Why do I have this unquenchable desire to go to Denny's???? I had this (Aaccch! Ptooh!) can of Clam Chowder for dinner so I can't be hungry!!! :-)

Every time I go to Denny's...I get the ClubSandwich and Seasoned fries...anyone else share this particular addiction???? I've learned one thing in my life well....order the Club Sandwich and fries...it's the fastest thing on the menu and the hardest to screw Up!!!!!

I'm going to have to let you know what I do with the Denny's thing...cause I would need a shower..and it's almost 3:00AM and it's snowing heavily...but did I go...did I go????? Hmmmmmmm.....dunno...check back.....

Dang...realized I have to get 1997's Calendar together soon....and that means putting 1996 into it's own separate directory and saying goodbye to it....saying goodbye to 1996....kinda lonesome sounding...been a good year in many ways...been a truly awful year in others...does that make it a typical year? How bout you??

"I wish I as a Nomad, an Indian or a Saint....Give me walking shoes, feathered arms, and a key to heaven's gate"

D A N G !!!! Still snowing!!! Much harder!! Been snowing all day!!!!! Absolutely useless and redundant exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well...that was a good unloading....gotta keep those valves free from crud....so they can pop and let off steam when they need to. Like tonight...so it doesn't turn inwards....doesn't turn lethal....I bean down this week cause we're off and I'm off my schedule....self-loathing, hating my life, depression, self-pity (Woe is me....), self-destructive thoughts...hopefully I don't have to go to a higher dose of Zoloft....just get back to a schedule...yeah...yeah, that's it...

Emily and Amy...T H A N K S!!!!! My sisters of the heart!!!

D
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