January 7, 1997
"What's the frequency Kenneth?"
The following is the entire email I just sent out to my address book (don't feel offended please if you didn't get it).
It's an honest look at a dishonest person's recent life. I continue to fight. I just called my brother - crying uncontrollably, stuff hanging out of my nose, crying for someone to hear me. Someone to make this gaping hole in my heart go away. Someone to save me from killing myself. He was there for me. He is my brother. He is a studly stalwart dude and I love him. Thanks dude!
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Time for the truth. I will hide this no more...because there is no
reason to hide.
I have suffered from depression since I was 15 years old. My maturation
probably stopped earlier than that due to nurturing problems with my
mother's depression. She ultimately killed herself.
As a result I have lived my life impaired by depression, living life
like a robot. Only able to appreciate life in the remotest ways. Only
able to appreciate friends in the remotest of context's.
I left MSF in January because the illness had gotten so
bad I was suicidal. Jeffrey helped me pour the pills I was going
to use down the toilet.
I went home and tried to recuperate. Due to the love and care of my
Father, whom God will most surely bless with abundant graces, and my
loving brother and sister's, I survived and got stablized. I began to
take Melatonin as a sleep aid. Melatonin stimulates the production of
Serotonin which is what is ultimately wrong with my brain chemistry. It
also truly helped me get better. I will come back to this.
I felt strong enough to move back to Washington and go back to work for
Boeing.
Around Thanksgiving, I ran out of Melatonin for sleep and did not get
more. As a result, my Serotonin levels dropped. I became depressed and
then dangerously suicidal. I crossed the line between thinking about it
and making up your mind as to how to do it. This scared me.
I went to a Psychiatrist and began medical treatment with a drug called
Zoloft. It is a "serotonin reuptake inhibitor". This means it prevents
the brain from metabolizing serotonin thus making it available to the
brain where it is needed. By the way, Serotonin is called a
neuro-transmitter and low levels have been proven to be linked to
depression, sadness, suicidal ideation.
I experienced a profound effect from Zoloft. For the first time in my
life, I felt "okay". I did not feel worthless, sad, listless, apathetic,
grief-stricken, hopeless, depressed, suicidal (which I have been for
over 20 years), etc.; you get the idea. For the first time in my life I
experienced life as others feel it. I saw colors differently, I tasted
food differently, I did not feel paranoia, my thinking was not distorted
(write me if you want to know the 15 ways depressed people distort
reality if you want an explanation of my behavior). In short, I was
granted a new life.
Now imagine, that before the Christmas break I began to feel
listless again. My work began to suffer.
I began to feel depressed.
At this point Boeing's Holiday period kicks in. We are off from the 21st
of December to the 2nd of January. I KNEW then I was in serious trouble.
My shrink was not going to be available. I KNEW and FELT I was doomed.
And I was.
Taken away from human contact (which depressed people push away anyway)
and having no schedule. I began to isolate. This is a medical term for
withdrawing from people and avoiding them.
It got so bad I could not even go out, could not answer the phone, could
not think, could not shop for food, could not take care of myself, could
not even dress.
At this point I realized (I thought) that treatment was worthless, that
I was worthless, that life was not worth living.
I had returned to suicide.
On the 30th of December after having been up for 24 hours I began to
write my suicide note and plan my death. Thankfully,
something..somewhere within me wanted to live.
I called my Dr. and to make a long story short ended up in a Psychiatric
Ward in Bellevue, Washington (ironic isn't it (g) ) and began treatment.
I was discharged today because my insurance wouldn't cover more than 7
consecutive days in the hospital. So, I'm home. I shouldn't be because I
still have suicidal thoughts but those are diminishing and the doctors
(at my request) have me at an extremely high dose of another
anti-depressant called Effexor. It is both a serotonin uptake inhibitor
as well as a nor-epinephrin stimulator. So I'm now getting more than
just Zoloft. Which is good.
The reason I am writing this is to tell you the following:
Do NOT deluge me with sympathy. That's the last thing I need. DO write
to me tho :-)
DO NOT call me to check on me to see if I'm still alive. This only
pisses me/us off and makes me/us withdraw further.
DO NOT pity me or feel sorry for me. This will only make me feel guilty
which feed my distorted thinking which...you see how the cycle goes?
DO understand that we just need listeners. NOT fixers. Do not try to fix
me. I will be okay.
DO Understand that depressed people think distortedly.
DO understand that I will lie to you if you ask me how I am. Medically,
it is called "minimizing". I do this with impunity and no thought. I
learned how to lie to avoid my mother. Please don't hold this against
me.
DO understand that at times I will try to push you away. We do this to
prevent closeness, protect vulnerability, sometimes just because we
don't have the energy to think.
DO NOT feel guilty that you should have "caught it". We mostly give no
signs we are hurting. We do give signs but they are masked by lies.
DO remember we lie.
DO NOT tell me to "snap out of it". If I'm dwelling in my own shit or
self-pity, simply say or write "Drew, you're sitting in it". I will
understand and be thankful to you. :-)
DO understand there is NO stigma to depression...OR ANY OTHER MENTAL
ILLNESS! --
I have been with people who suffer from paranoia, hear voices, see
faces. These are the most suffering people you will ever meet in your
life. I have shared suffering with 13 year old girls who have been
pulled off bridges ready to kill themselves. Please, if you do, never
make a joke about hearing voices, being paranoid or any other thing. You
know not whereof you speak. I'm trying not to preach here but I have
been to hell over the last 20 days and it IS populated with suffering
souls who have done nothing to deserve their fate. It's just their
brains. Flame me for the above if you want to.
If you want to be my friend: remember this -
DO NOT allow me to drain you of your energy. Depressed people often do
this and ruin friendships. PROTECT YOURSELVES!
If you are a caretaker personality (and you know if you are) make your
contacts with me as sparingly as possible. Depressed people can be your
doom.
If you are talking with me, or emailing with me, and think you detect
distorted thinking or comments. CHALLENGE ME ON THIS!! Depressed people
need reality checks constantly.
I am emotionally fragile. I cry at the drop of a hat. DO NOT BE ALARMED
AT THIS!!! IT IS NORMAL FOR ME RIGHT NOW!!!!
I will not always be so emotionally fragile as I am now. I was better
and WILL be well again. I need time to heal.
I so desparately need your support. I love you all. We will often love
others but loathe ourselves. I am beginning to like myself but it takes
time. You have been my support if you knew it or not. I have clung to
you all like a drowning man. Which I was. I have needed you and not
sought you out (not your fault by the way so don't get all guilty on me
:-)
Please don't let me push you away or I will die. Please help me to stay
alive.
I will be in contact with you all separately over the next few days by
phone or email.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness, love and
friendship over the years. I have depended on you more than you know,
and none of you has ever let me down. Your love has kept me alive this
long.
I remain, as always, your most trusted, loving, loyal friend.
Drew
(Feel free to pass this on to others if you think it would be of value.
Delete all recipients addresses and any references to specifically named
people or businesses. I'm going to get involved at work with depression
resources and help others. Helping other people on the ward helped me
more than anything. Please educate anyone you can on the dangers of
untreated depression. Please DO NOT hesitate to call for help for a
person you suspect is going to kill themselves. Please help them. Please
de-stigmatize mental health issues for others. Please pray for those in
Psych wards....they hurt more than you can ever imagine.)
Okay...something I learned in therapy....put your left hand over your
back, pat yourself on the back and say (OUT LOUD DAMNIT!!!)
I DONE GOOD!!!!!!!!!
Love ya'll and be yakkinatcha!!!
Me.
Love ya Dad...more than you can ever know. Hugs.
D
</nomorerants>
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So.....
That's my story. I got home this evening thinking of death. I called four people for support like I said I would do in my suicide prevention plan. I then read some really poignant stories from a dear friend (and I am honored to call you a friend M!!!) and I freaked out again. This was stupid of me. I should have just gone to bed. Another new thing to learn. Go to bed when tired. Total wipeout. As above, I had to call my brother, wake him up crying uncontrollably with stuff out my nose, and he listened. He just listened.
I don't know if I'm ultimately going to make it. What with anti-depressants still being such a hit and miss thing and sometimes having to try many before finding one that works, my lack of a life, lack of knowledge of who I am, lack of social skills, lack of will to live, it's iffy right now.
I am trying but I need to get stronger. I am trying but I need to heal my heart. I need to find something to fill this gaping hole that is me.
As before, you are still welcome to come along with me on this journey. But, it may be bumpy. And I have no idea where I'm going. Or if I'll get there.
Copyright ©1996, 1997 A.T.G. All Rights Reserved.
"of your Benzedrine."