August 12, 1997





"And the sound that your hearing is only the sound..."



What's New...


What a difference a day makes. Colette and I are history. After another day of her lazing around in a drunken stupor, I told her we were finished, we would never get married and that she might as well find someone else and move out. I gave her 30 days to find a place to live. She said that she didn't need that long and then said something else she wouldn't repeat. Which is okay cause she was/is pretty smashed and not really speaking very clearly. That sounds really cold but, given the fact she has rally thrashed the rug in the living room (nail polish, coffee, a huge cigarette burn and numerous beer spills), I think I'm being very generous. The woman is really a disaster zone.

The bitch of it for her is that she just got hired today at a mall retailer which is really good for her, but will make things difficult for her as well. We went over the things that had brought this relationship to an end:

  • Refusal to stop drinking - i.e. her alcoholism
  • Her bizarre lifestyle and inability to compromise
  • Her frequent (almost nightly) visits to the guy who took her in the last time
  • Spending money like there was no end to it
  • No effort to work on our relationship or our communication problems


It's still sad and all that, but I've been down this street before and it's easier than it was the last time. Now, if I can just keep from making the same mistake the next time. Lord protect me from myself and psycho chicks. It's funny, I met Colette in a psych ward and I knew better but at the time it was better than being alone. The first time we split she accused me of picking up depressed chicks so I could fuck em. I laughed at that because around Dec of 96 on alt.support.depression and alt.suicide.holiday there was a cross-posted thread called "Scoring with depressed chicks". It was meant as a joke/satire, but many took it as bad taste. Who knows. But I remembered it at the time and thought how humourous the universe is.

I get to use a new helmet tomorrow! I had gotten Colette a helmet that turned out to be too small for her and she got another one when I picked up the scooter. After looking at it, I realized that it was a far nicer lid than mine! So, now that she is not going to be riding with me, I'm taking her helmet. Funny that I can wear a helmet that fits her. Must be all that hair. Call me callous.

Drove the scoot to work today. Not as bad as I thought it might be. The traffic wasn't that heavy and I made sure I knew where everyone was around me. And the greatest thing was parking right outside the building I work in! I went home sick (hmmm...I wonder why....????) and it was great to be able to walk right outside, put the lid on and motor on home. The bungee cords worked great in holding my briefcase and jacket on. I know that I'm finding out things experienced riders already know but it's new to me and the freshness of it is great. And I enjoy it so I got me a new hobby to boot.


 

What's On My Mind


I'm grateful that I have this diary. I can just send emails to people I know and tell them to read it. Plus, and more importantly, I can get the crap out and look at and deal with it. A few short months ago this would have had me in a ward or dead. Hell, a few months ago I wouldn't have been in this situation because I wouldn't have been outside my apartment meeting people in the first place. Now, I just keep taking my Effexor and Depekote, do a thorough self-examination and just keep on chugging along. I know that I am 50% responsible for this and I tried not to be too rigid. But when faced with someone who obviously could care less about you, you have to do what you have to do to stay sane.

Now it's just kind of like an "Oh Wellll..." kinda thing. I have Ozzie on right now and it is the absolutely perfect thing! "Coming Home" is playing and the music is so triumphant and kick ass that it fits my mood to a tee. I feel really good that I recoginize that I made a mistake in asking her back, and was healthy enough to not be co-dependant and keep her around 'cause I feel sorry for her. That would be the absolutely worst thing I could do. I do feel sorry for her but (that's a pretty big but you got there Drew...), as I've said before, I can't solve her problems for her.

Another thing I feel good about is work and her. The last time we split I spent the most part of a week watching over her because I worried about what she might do to herself and to the apartment. Like burn in down with a cig when drunk. This time, I don't think she will. Hell, she's already proved she can't drink and smoke and I know she won't kill herself. I had promised my supervisor that I wouldn't let my relationship affect my work again and it won't. Any hurt done to me is my own responsibility because I gave her that power. I take it back now.

Real interesting meeting today. Found out some things I wish I hadn't and realized I have a pretty big recovery plan to get in place. Some coordination needs to be done big time let me tell you. But, the parties are aware of it and it's getting the attention it deserves so things will be okay. Another drill in a lifetime of drills. So it goes :-).

At least now I can go back to Ivory soap. C is allergic to the smell of it but I like it the best of all the soaps I've used. Just a routine, mundane sort of guy :-)



Be Joyous!



me with your favorite Zach Wylde story....


<Some Yuban™ and a Marlboro Light™...and yes...I do live on the stuff....>


"of the low spark of high heeled boys."





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