August 12, 1997
"And the sound that your hearing is only the sound..."
What's New...
What a difference a day makes. Colette and I are history. After
another day of her lazing around in a drunken stupor, I told her we were finished,
we would never get married and that she might as well find someone else and move
out. I gave her 30 days to find a place to live. She said that she didn't need that
long and then said something else she wouldn't repeat. Which is okay cause she was/is
pretty smashed and not really speaking very clearly. That sounds really cold but,
given the fact she has rally thrashed the rug in the living room (nail polish, coffee,
a huge cigarette burn and numerous beer spills), I think I'm
being very generous. The woman is really a disaster zone.
The bitch of it for her is that she just got hired today at
a mall retailer which is really good for her, but will make things difficult for
her as well. We went over the things that had brought this relationship to an end:
- Refusal to stop drinking - i.e. her alcoholism
- Her bizarre lifestyle and inability to compromise
- Her frequent (almost nightly) visits to the guy who took her in the last time
- Spending money like there was no end to it
- No effort to work on our relationship or our communication problems
It's still sad and all that, but I've been down this street
before and it's easier than it was the last time. Now, if I can just keep from making
the same mistake the next time. Lord protect me from myself and psycho chicks. It's
funny, I met Colette in a psych ward and I knew better but at the time it was better
than being alone. The first time we split she accused me of picking up depressed
chicks so I could fuck em. I laughed at that because around Dec of 96 on alt.support.depression
and alt.suicide.holiday there was a cross-posted thread called "Scoring with
depressed chicks". It was meant as a joke/satire, but many took it as bad taste.
Who knows. But I remembered it at the time and thought how humourous the universe
is.
I get to use a new helmet tomorrow! I had gotten Colette a
helmet that turned out to be too small for her and she got another one when I picked
up the scooter. After looking at it, I realized that it was a far nicer lid than
mine! So, now that she is not going to be riding with me, I'm taking her helmet.
Funny that I can wear a helmet that fits her. Must be all that hair. Call me callous.
Drove the scoot to work today. Not as bad as I thought it might
be. The traffic wasn't that heavy and I made sure I knew where everyone was around
me. And the greatest thing was parking right outside the building I work in! I went
home sick (hmmm...I wonder why....????) and it was great to be able to walk right
outside, put the lid on and motor on home. The bungee cords worked great in holding
my briefcase and jacket on. I know that I'm finding out things experienced riders
already know but it's new to me and the freshness of it is great. And I enjoy it
so I got me a new hobby to boot.
What's On My Mind
I'm grateful that I have this diary. I can just send emails
to people I know and tell them to read it. Plus, and more importantly, I can get
the crap out and look at and deal with it. A few short months ago this would have
had me in a ward or dead. Hell, a few months ago I wouldn't have been in this situation
because I wouldn't have been outside my apartment meeting people in the first place.
Now, I just keep taking my Effexor and Depekote, do a thorough self-examination and
just keep on chugging along. I know that I am 50% responsible for this and I tried
not to be too rigid. But when faced with someone who obviously could care less about
you, you have to do what you have to do to stay sane.
Now it's just kind of like an "Oh Wellll..." kinda
thing. I have Ozzie on right now and it is the absolutely perfect thing! "Coming
Home" is playing and the music is so triumphant and kick ass that it fits my
mood to a tee. I feel really good that I recoginize that I made a mistake in asking
her back, and was healthy enough to not be co-dependant and keep her around 'cause
I feel sorry for her. That would be the absolutely worst thing I could do. I do feel
sorry for her but (that's a pretty big but you got there Drew...), as I've said before,
I can't solve her problems for her.
Another thing I feel good about is work and her. The last time
we split I spent the most part of a week watching over her because I worried about
what she might do to herself and to the apartment. Like burn in down with a cig when
drunk. This time, I don't think she will. Hell, she's already proved she can't drink and smoke and I know she won't kill herself. I had promised
my supervisor that I wouldn't let my relationship affect my work again and it won't.
Any hurt done to me is my own responsibility because I gave her that power. I take
it back now.
Real interesting meeting today. Found out some things I wish
I hadn't and realized I have a pretty big recovery plan to get in place. Some coordination
needs to be done big time let me tell you. But, the parties are aware of it and it's
getting the attention it deserves so things will be okay. Another drill in a lifetime
of drills. So it goes :-).
At least now I can go back to Ivory soap. C is allergic to
the smell of it but I like it the best of all the soaps I've used. Just a routine,
mundane sort of guy :-)
Be Joyous!
me with your favorite Zach
Wylde story....
<Some Yuban™ and a Marlboro Light™...and yes...I do live on the stuff....>
"of the low spark of high heeled boys."
Copyright ©1996, 1997 A.T.Green. All Rights Reserved.